Change is inevitable. In fact I try to embrace it usually. But I sometimes do grow weary of the changes that my illness thrusts upon me. When I had my liver transplant I was granted a new chance and lease on life. Upon returning to work I was happy to be full of busyness, purpose again. But now the winds turning again as this disease has caught hold of me. Kidneys this Kidneys that for months I was hoping that my efforts would keep the inevitable at bay.
Tomorrow I will get a catheter surgically implanted in my abdomen. The first step in the peritoneal dialysis procedure that will allow me to feel better (they say) and continue living. Necessary, yes. Welcome, well of course, but I do find myself today with some fear of what is to come.
As I drink the preparation fluid. The … liquid that will clean my body for the procedure. My stomach grumbles with hunger having not eaten for two days. But also with anxiety to the changed that it will see. The thing that will become part of my skin and my body.
I stand in the shower the warm water pouring over my and cry. I let myself a moment feeling the loss of what has gone, what will never be and feel the suffering. Then as I often do in the shower, I feel the feeling of the water washing away the imperfections and me left there in the moment just as I am meant to be.
I take a breath and smile. I have booked myself an appointment at the hair salon next week. I am not one who goes often as many women do, I find it unnecessary with my flat, rather plain hair cut but one has to admit a little colour and something fresh does make you feel well new again. My husband had laid his hand on my shoulder and whispered that we have gone through so much and will get through this. I will weather this storm.
I have been listening to this song lately. I like to play it loud, at home or in the car I turn up the volume and let the words and the pulse of the music give me energy and confidence.
It’s time to begin, isn’t it?
I get a little bit bigger but then
I’m just the same as I was
Don’t you understand
That I’m never changing who I am