Picture this…
Me. This song playing on the new Bose speakers my brother bought for us.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cYto0bNNkB0
I get up off the sofa with a burst of energy. I am dancing in the living room. Fist pumping. Butt Wiggling. Feeling full of life. I smile at my husband his eyes twinkle and light up with love for me. He gets up. We dance. Twirl. Laugh.
This is life.
Things are getting better.
A few weeks in.. I am waiting for the “wow” moment of strength and recovery but have resigned to a slow journey with serious ups and downs throughout.
Still throwing up regularly and watching my blood pressure fluctuate is hard but I do feel stronger and ready to face the world a few hours each day.
There is nothing like a family day to inspire you. Managed a trip to Toronto with my husband to spend the afternoon with my brother and the few moments out in the sun walking along lake Ontario were enough to give me a big smile on my face.
Now with Monday afternoon in full swing I feel somewhat ready to tackle some things that need priority. Discipline, routine, food and water intake, vitals monitoring, naps.. appointments..
My husband is great at structure and discipline.. me well not as much. But I realize that I need to incorporate so much in my healing process and each thing is important and needs a space in every day.
Dialysis 
wound cleaning check blood pressure check blood sugar eat drink water power nap eat again
The eating thing has been hard. With little appetite but still the need to get in nutrients and protein I have to tackle this challenge. My husband of coarse has ideas ready for me.. Eggs he says.. okay eggs it is, and then I add protein powder in a shake and as my brother insists a protein bar each day.
With kidney failure, symptoms seem to creep up and surprise me day by day. The toxins slowly multiplying and spreading around my body. Many days seem normal and then others do not.
A few weeks ago I started dialysis. First learning at the hospital, letting the nurses explain the life saving machine and how it will pump liquid into my body and with the magic glucose solution pull ( remember osmosis from biology class) the toxins out of the blood and into the fluid, draining it out of my body for good. This cycle happening 4 times each treatment for 8 hours hopefully while I sleep.
That’s the idea anyway. Given how unwell I was feeling though a decision to speed up the process seemed a good idea and believe me with the toxins making me nauseous, twitchy, weak I was really to have the filtering begin — So I started this journey with 8 hour treatments back to back with a 4 hour break in between a nice cold weekend in February.
Now, as I see this machine beside me at work, I wonder at the miracle of it all, as it quietly pumps away, and realize how lucky I am to have this machine in my house. The supplies I need stacked in boxes in the next room and delivered to my door. The doctors and nurses advising me and ready to be feeling stronger again.
I may not be lucky to have had this disease and all the sickness of in my body but I know and feel dam lucky to have all this around me, my husband supporting me and the prospect of feeling stronger and better again ready to move on.
Here is a visual idea of the process: http://www.kidneypatientguide.org.uk/pd.php
so many boxes of supplies delivered every few weeks…
Change is inevitable. In fact I try to embrace it usually. But I sometimes do grow weary of the changes that my illness thrusts upon me. When I had my liver transplant I was granted a new chance and lease on life. Upon returning to work I was happy to be full of busyness, purpose again. But now the winds turning again as this disease has caught hold of me. Kidneys this Kidneys that for months I was hoping that my efforts would keep the inevitable at bay.
Tomorrow I will get a catheter surgically implanted in my abdomen. The first step in the peritoneal dialysis procedure that will allow me to feel better (they say) and continue living. Necessary, yes. Welcome, well of course, but I do find myself today with some fear of what is to come.
As I drink the preparation fluid. The … liquid that will clean my body for the procedure. My stomach grumbles with hunger having not eaten for two days. But also with anxiety to the changed that it will see. The thing that will become part of my skin and my body.
I stand in the shower the warm water pouring over my and cry. I let myself a moment feeling the loss of what has gone, what will never be and feel the suffering. Then as I often do in the shower, I feel the feeling of the water washing away the imperfections and me left there in the moment just as I am meant to be.
I take a breath and smile. I have booked myself an appointment at the hair salon next week. I am not one who goes often as many women do, I find it unnecessary with my flat, rather plain hair cut but one has to admit a little colour and something fresh does make you feel well new again. My husband had laid his hand on my shoulder and whispered that we have gone through so much and will get through this. I will weather this storm.
I have been listening to this song lately. I like to play it loud, at home or in the car I turn up the volume and let the words and the pulse of the music give me energy and confidence.
It’s time to begin, isn’t it?
I get a little bit bigger but then
I’ll admit I’m just the same as I was
Don’t you understand
That I’m never changing who I am
-Imagine Dragons
It’s hard to know where to begin. Why today and not yesterday or tomorrow. Who knows? I guess it began with some time on my hands and trying to fulfill a long time desire to write more and be present in the world.
Having taken some time away from work after a hospital stay and a desperate need to refocus on my health I have decided to record some of the next weeks, months and journey. I don’t anticipate many readers though I welcome feedback and love.
My life some days seems far from interesting. Days filled with blood tests and doctors visits and energy permitting preparing food in the kitchen, reading a book, walking the dog or having tea with friends. But within the mundane are difficult moments I can share, and healing wisdom’s I may find. Who knows if it may prove interesting and worth recording on this site. Time with tell.
Today, I made this dish which is a recipe very dear to my heart. I learned it from my beloved mother who passed away in 2007. The homemade chicken pie. Today , having discovered too late that I only had limited chicken breast leftovers in the fridge I added a leek which made for a delicious filling. Made a no roll pie crust from mom’s well used natural healing cookbook and topped it with puff pastry. Yum.
It’s a start… till next time.
Linden
Living as Linden 